“These are the days that the sleeper awakens amongst the mist
to follow her path towards her purpose…
An exert from my diary in ’99’
What do you want in this life?”
-Jada Pinkett Smith
To live and not just exist. To be present in each moment instead of spending them unfocused, mentally preoccupied, and rushing through to the next one without pausing to absorb and learn from the one I’m in.
To be healthy: physically, emotionally and mentally. To lose a few pounds for health’s sake and not because I feel like I need to look a certain way to be accepted. To see myself as the beautiful person I am without becoming vain. To stop constantly comparing myself to other women and automatically assuming they look better and are better than me. To live an active lifestyle, enjoying the sunshine and fresh air. To win the war against depression, PPD, and anxiety. To no longer base my perspective and opinions of myself on those of others. To no longer be driven by the needs, motives, agendas, or desires of another and not feel guilty or ashamed for going after what I want and need. To not base who I am off of the definition of another person or a temporary condition/circumstance in my life-to base it instead off of who God says I am and who I believe I am. To believe that I have just as much right as the next person to be happy, to smile, to laugh, to enjoy living. To no longer feel as though I have to do or be X, Y, or Z to be good enough or accepted, no longer bound by the chains a of performance driven posture or mindset. To know and believe that I am worth it, I have potential, I am a woman who can accomplish anything. To no longer live in or be bound by pain or other crippling, damaging emotions. To live life as a woman who is whole and healed, not as a victim of abuse, my own mistakes, or even circumstance.
To be a good mother. Not a perfect mother, a good mother. One who learns from the mistakes of her parents and strives not repeat them; while forgiving myself for the ones I will inevitably make because perfection doesn’t exist in this flawed human form. To not, however, use my faults and shortcomings as an excuse to be abusive, emotionally unavailable, overly controlling, or anything else negative towards my children. To not let my “tangles” or any inner turmoil I’m experiencing “bleed” onto my children, I hope they never feel as though my issues or struggles are ever their fault. To be present in the moments I have with them. To not let outside opinions, perspectives, societal views, situations or circumstances rob me of the opportunity to enjoy motherhood. To let my children be expressive, creative, dynamic free spirits who know and understand discipline, responsibility and the importance of healthy boundaries. To have a daughter named Phoenix…well, maybe-I’m still going back and forth over whether or not to have another hahaha. And if I do, and God sees fit to give me a daughter, I hope to have the relationship with her I don’t have with my mother.
To have a better understanding of God’s love for me. To no longer let the damage I experienced with my earthly father seep into and dictate my relationship with my heavenly One, or let it shape my perspective or thoughts towards Him. To live and breathe the knowledge that Jesus’ sacrifice for me was enough, I’m accepted because He loves me and because of grace-I don’t have to work to try and earn either. To live my life with a “hands off” approach, by trusting that He knows what’s best for me and letting Him bend my will and plans for my life towards His. To live boldly in His love for me and to let His love and compassion permeate the lives of those around me. To be a better witness, to not let fear or being politically correct inhibit me from telling others that Jesus Christ saves and loves. To carry out His purpose for me, the cause He’s given me: through writing, through speaking, through dance, through ministering to other girls and women just like me. To help women know and understand that there is beauty in brokeness and that Jesus’ sacrifice determines their value, not society or men’s standards.
To stand before God at the end of my life and to use Erma Bombeck’s words say, “I used everything You gave me, I have nothing left.”