“And everybody know the story of David and Goliath
But this is bigger than triumph
This is for the warrior, this is for you and I
This is for euphoria, give me a piece of mind
God is recording this! won’t you look in the sky?
Tell him you got the behavior of your neighbor
Even when stability’s never in your favor
Fly with the turbulence, only last a minute
Land on your dreams, and recognize you live it
Walk through the valley of peace, with bare feet
Run through the flames, thats more passion for me
I passed that, this morning just so the world can see
Got them wolves on me, no watch me like em clean
I know, I know, my pride, my ghost, my eyes
My lows, I know I know, its mind control
I know I could prosper, no impostor
Prosecute my posture
I stand up and I stand by it what?”
(Kendrick Lamar’s verse from “It’s On Again,” by Alicia Keys)
It’s been a tough week. I’ve been so consumed with other things (depression, kids, BIG project) I’ve done next to nothing to feed myself creatively this week; I’ve been too tired from fighting scarcity tooth and nail for my worthiness and sanity. Disappointment and hurt crashed into my heart like bricks breaking through glass. I forgot that my soul is a creative one; an artist, a writer, an intuitive dreamer with her feet rooted in firmly in the ground seeping in between her toes. My brain is an idea factory. I envision. I speak and my words have grown to have impact where impact is needed. My eyes see paint everywhere. My eyes and being can catch the faintest glimpse of possibility in the seemingly impossible. I spent this week allowing my mind to believe the lies that all of these things about myself are invalid, lacking tangible substance and worth and value. Stumbles, wobbly knees, falls and failures left me staring in the mirror unable to recognize myself.
I think that’s what depression does to you-it slips you into a subtle amnesia that blocks your mind’s eye, inhibiting you from really seeing and remembering who you are. It sends you spinning into this thick, foggy darkness where you spend your moments trying to gain some sense of orientation.
“I am a freedom fighter, the name that history wrote
And even through disaster, eye of the tiger for hope
I’m trying to find my way back, there’s no day off for heroes
And even when I’m tired, go is the only word I know
And the night is takin’ over, and the moonlight gets exposure
And the players have been chosen, and it seems like fate has spoken
When it seems your faith has broken, by the second, losin’ focus
Ain’t no way to get off, get off, get off, get off
Unless you move forward
I bet they wonder how I go on
I’ll simply say “it’s on again, it’s on again,” whoa-oh
The world don’t stop, it’s on again, it’s on again, whoa-oh
I am a lonely hero, trying to fight my battles
LiIn the midst of all this darkness, I sacrifice my ego
There ain’t no room for selfish, we do it for the people
Say the work don’t stop, cause they don’t stop
and everybody here tryna get on top
everybody from the burbs down to the block
Gotta hold on tight and don’t let go let go
Huh, so you think you hot?
Gotta grind hard, give it all you’ve got
You can have or you can have not
You see that a lot in the ghetto (ghetto)”
Sometimes other folks can say it better, what you’re feeling, what you’re processing as you’re stumbling through the fog, searching for a way through. This song was that for me today. This is why I love music and am always in awe of its universal power. It’s been a rough week, but just in time for Easter, I feel resurrection stirring in my bones. I remember. My vision is clear. The fog is rolling back and I’m remembering that I don’t have to wait or compete for a spot at the table. I am a creative-I have the vision to lay the blueprints and construct my own.
It’s on again.