I’m currently embattled in a check-in war with some guy named Tony on Foursquare. Apparently in both of us lies the deep seeded desire to be the “mayor” of Casis Elementary where our children go to school; a desire unbeknownst to me until this morning.
See here’s the thing: I don’t know Tony, what grade his kid is in, or what he looks like. I don’t know if he’s the PTA president or just a dad who enjoys dropping his son or daughter off & picking him or her up every day from school. I’m sure he’s a decent man.
The only thing I do know about Tony is that he enjoys using Foursquare as much as I do, which I totally have no problems with…until his check-ins start encroaching on my make believe run for electoral office.
OF COURSE I know being crowned “mayor” of a place or business is ridiculous-I don’t own nor have I created any of the businesses, parks, or other places I visit. My rational mind is well aware of this fact, I promise. For me, Foursquare is just a fun way to learn more about an establishment from other people who have been there before me, AND get rewarded with discounts or specials from said establishment, just for stopping by.
When a guy like this well-meaning, probably really cool Tony character steals my mayorship (that, to be completely honest, I stole from him in the first place)? The irrational, competitive, survival of the fittest/natural selection/all of that other Darwin shit I learned in science class overrides my rational, civilized mind & I want to get all primal on a motherf—er.
For reals. Upon receiving notification of being “ousted” from my make believe office, two very different conversations took place in my mind:
Rational me: “Ok that’s a waste of inbox space. Do I really need to be notified of something so insignificant? I need to change my notification settings….big whoop. It’s just Foursquare. Who cares? Not like this is real or anything. Do I need yet ANOTHER social networking app to keep up with? What am I using this for again? oh right. Tips & discounts. Whatevs. Moving on…”
Primal me, who sounds a lot like Samuel L. Jackson when he’s screaming in a movie: “HOLD the f—UP. ‘Ousted?!’ Who the hell is this Tony guy any way, ‘ousting’ me?! You can’t ‘oust’ me-I’M ADDYEB MUTHAF—ER! Who does this punk a–think he is, battling me for most check-ins?! I run this shit! I HAVE THE MOST CHECK-INS! I’m in the car line for pick up every day by 2:15, sitting behind the mom in the Lexus, ME! Where else does he check-in at? I should go there & run that shit too. Is this muthaf—er on Twitter? How many followers & tweets he got? Is he on Yelp? Does he blog? I bet that shit ain’t SEO optimized! You wanna be MAYOR OF CASIS ELEMENTARY, TONY?!!!! Well then let’s dance muthaf—er! YES HE DESERVES TO DIE AND I HOPE HE BURNS IN HELL!”
The last line was said EXACTLY like Samuel L. Jackson in “A Time to Kill.” (Which is an EXCELLENT movie by the way if you haven’t seen it.)
On a serious note, I don’t want Tony to die or burn anywhere. (Also, for the record, my own damn blog isn’t SEO optimized, nor do I care about such things….and I don’t know if he blogs. Or care. Really.) As I mentioned earlier, I’m sure he’s just a loving, nice, respectable guy & father who enjoys taking his kid(s?) to school.
I’d just appreciate it if he would find some place else to lord himself over & concede the fake ruling of our kids’ school to me. Austin is a HUGE city, with plenty of places that need make believe “mayors.” That’s all.
I know wherever he is, Mr. Rodgers is smiling down on me and my quest for dominion & power in the land of make believe. I really think he should’ve shared how to deal with power struggles around here, though. I must have missed that episode.
Anyway, maybe I should just take a friend’s advice (Instagram is full of people who take nifty photos & dole out pearls of wisdom) and start taking Brennan to his school on the weekends. That would give me TWO extra check-ins a WEEK….or I could just start checking in at random times from my apartment that’s a mile away…
(Or I could just let it go…but maturity is for adults, adulthood is overrated, and this absurd power struggle is way more entertaining.)
What do you think? Do you have any Foursquare battles or quests for make believe domination? What side are you on? Team addyeB or Team Tony?