I Wish I Was Stronger…For Both of Us

“I can feel your pain, I can feel your struggle
You just wanna live, but everything so low
That you could drown in a puddle
That’s why I gotta hold us up, yeah hold us up
For all the times no one’s ever spoke for us
To every single time that they play this song
You can say that that’s what Bobby Ray wrote for us
When the tides get too high
And the sea up underneath get so deep
And you feel like you’re just another person
Getting lost in the crowd, way up high in the nosebleeds
Uh, because we’ve both been there, yeah, both of us
But we still stand tall with our shoulders up
And even though we always against the odds
These are the things that’ve molded us
And if life hadn’t chosen us
Sometimes I wonder where I would’ve wound up
Cause if it was up to me, I’d make a new blueprint
Than build it from the ground up..”

It hurts to watch the people you love and care about wrestle their way through the sh^t life throws in their face. I hate it. I try my best to be there for the people in my life who are grappling with life and trying to endure it’s ugliness, even when I’m grappling and struggling to endure the ugliness myself.

It’s especially hard for me to watch a loved one (friend or family) fight mental illness. It’s hard for me because I know from experience how hard it is to fight for your life and well being when all you want to really do is give up…or at least give in for a little while. Sometimes I feel strong enough for others to lean on and gain strength & comfort from…but there are times when I feel helpless…when I wonder if my words and love are piercing through the armor of illness that surrounds their thoughts….when I wonder if I’m doing enough or do I need to do more…should I reach out and push or back off and just wait? Am I being empathetic? Am I allowing them to be vulnerable with me? Am I sitting in the darkness with them but still shining even the tiniest flame of hope?

It’s hard to know sometimes…especially when you aren’t afforded the chance to actually see the person face to face and you only have Facebook, Twitter, email, and text messages to say “Hey, you’re not alone. You matter. I hear you, I know you’re in pain. I’m here with you. You can get through this, you WILL get through this. I love you. You’re beautiful. Don’t give up.”

When I’m in a really awful place, sometimes just having someone to sit next to me so I’m not alone with my thoughts helps. I hate that I can’t sit next to some of you when you’re in that place. It kills me.

When I heard this song today, I thought of you. I thought of where you’re at and how helpless you feel in your fight to live…and I sang this for you, out loud with tears in my eyes and a prayer in my heart that you make it through this….and I vowed to remain in this fight with you, for however long it takes, until you win. Until we both win, because I’m not just fighting for you and I’m not just fighting for myself…I’m fighting to be stronger for both of us…for all of us. We’re worth the fight…so let’s not give up, okay?



5 thoughts on “I Wish I Was Stronger…For Both of Us

  1. There you go again, making me cry. Last week I hit rock bottom, crying, scared, obsessive “WHAT IF’S”. Diagnosis – Definitely a mood disorder in Bipolar 2 spectrum but not sure what to call it. I cried some more. This here happened after 6months of being ok. Clearly though, its there. After a day of crying, I thought of you, I wiped my tears and said if you can go through this hell month after month then I can do this. Just you being you, has helped me, and that is enough.

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