Mixed


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“I could be daydreaming but for a moment
And somehow they’re creeping back in
I could be sleeping awakened the torrent
Somehow I get caught in their grips again

And here I am in my shame spiral
I’m sucked in to it again
And I reach out for your benevolent opinion
You bring the light back in

Don’t leave me here with all these critical voices
Cause they do their best to bring me down
When I’m alone with all these negative voices
I will need your help to turn them down…” Spiral/Havoc and Bright Lights/Alanis Morrisette

no one loves you.
you’re so weak.
first name incapable, last name burden-that’s you.

the Voice. it mercilessly plays it’s record of shame endlessly on my inner loudspeaker, stirring up my irrational insecurities into a paranoid frenzy.

no one loves you.
you’re so weak.
first name incapable, last name burden, that’s you.

tiny arms reach up & around my neck, pulling me in close as if to say “You’re mine, I won’t let It take you.”

boyish grins light up their faces as giggles escape from their little bodies as if to say “you make us so happy.”

little legs struggle to climb into my lap, seeking solace & comfort as if to say “I need you…we’re safe here, together.”

his voice travels confidently through the phone, reminding me once again that I haven’t been abandoned to wander Illness’ deadly streets on my own. “you’re not alone, you have me, I’m here, I came back, I’m not going anywhere. I love you, we’ll get through this together,” he says.

I am loved, they love me.
I’m strongest when I’m weak because I don’t give up.
first name Addy, last name capable, that’s me.

I am loved. I am needed. I am strong. I am capable….no matter how mixed & chaotic this illness makes me.

*I’ve been in a hypomanic/mixed mood since we left. It’s been hard, but thanks to my meds & my family I’ve been managing ok….until this past week. I’ve upped my meds again & am trying to wait patiently for the Austin VA to place me in their system and assign me a psychiatrist….I was told today it’s going to take 3-4 weeks. I’ll be fighting like hell to keep the heaviness & chaos from weighing me down…and praying my mind doesn’t get any worse. In my next post I swear I’ll finally tell you about the awesomeness that has become our lives in Austin…and those fears I mentioned last post-have to share those too. In the meantime, enjoy your Labor Day weekend lovelies.*

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5 thoughts on “Mixed

  1. I’m sorry this time has been so hard, but I’m so glad your family is helping you. I love that your precious boys (big and small) are reminding you of how important and loved you are in their own unique ways. I hope the change in meds helps you to get some relief and make it easier to push those doubts away, and remember who you really are.

    You ARE loved. You ARE needed. You ARE capable. You ARE strong.

  2. 3-4 weeks??? i’m ashamed of this country for how they treat their veterans, it should be 3-4 DAYS. sorry you are going through this but i’m glad you have someone to lean on.

  3. I’m right there with you in so many of these emotions. We just gave to be strong, patient, and give/receive as many hugs as possible. The tiny arms offer me great relief and comfort too.

  4. Sending you hugs. You are so loved. You matter. I am shouting this from the rooftops to drown out the voices that tell you otherwise. Keep reaching out and keeping talking. Seek comfort from your boys.

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