And Then My Heart Exploded & All I Could Do was Cry

I want to say this in a way that’s eloquent & inspirational. I want to use all the right words, and craft this into a beautiful piece of writing, that carries the weight of my thoughts & emotions, and helps you fully grasp how much this moment means to me….and even though they don’t know it yet, to my boys.

But I can’t. Words are failing me. There are only tears….sobs, actually, as I lay here in the boy’s empty room, eyes closed, heart bursting with gratitude…

…and love. For the first time in my 29 years of living I feel loved and whole instead of unworthy & broken. I feel peace where there used to be agony, and joy seeping through the cracks of my deepest sorrows.

12 months ago I was obsessed with death. I spent my waking moments torn between not wanting to leave my boys without their mother & wanting to rid them of the one who felt like she had failed them.

I’m glad to say, a year later, I’m not in that place, and I’m not looking to find relief in death. I’ve found it instead in 200mg of Lamictal, .25mg of Xanax, and 2mg of Pimozide, taken at 10am, every single day…and in a diagnosis that’s forced me to make myself and my well being a priority-a first for me.

It’s been a year full of growth & healing thanks to therapy.

If you would’ve told me last year I’d be right here, laying on the floor, free from nearly all the shit I’ve been carrying since childhood, I would’ve just smiled politely, said thanks, and walked away not believing a word of it.

But here I am. Loved and whole. Healed and stronger than before. Embracing life instead of plotting to escape it…focused on LIVING it instead of just existing & surviving it.

My boys have their mother, their parents back together, and they have each other…a far cry from what they had just a year ago.

So I’m just laying here, in my almost empty apartment, marveling at how far we’ve come…excited for the new beginning that lies ahead…Tears streaming down my face as I whisper “thank you” over & over again, my heart exploding in joy each time.

I’ve come full circle.


8 thoughts on “And Then My Heart Exploded & All I Could Do was Cry

  1. I love this, it about makes me cry. I know the pain and I I know the wonder of finding out how to live again, and it is AWESOME!!! I am so happy to know you have found the desire to live and share yourself with your boys!!

  2. This is an inspiration to those of us who are still fighting the fight. Thank you for writing this. Giving me hope that one day I too can be healed. Congratulations for sticking in there. And you are loved. Good luck on your new journey mama.

  3. Im sooo happy and grateful that you are happy. I love you and pray safe travels on your route to your new start. I’m overwhelmed with joy that you are in a better place and is living more freely instead of just surviving. We are survivors! Im praying for you and your family. I love you.

  4. God bless you. Thank u so much for this post and for pouring your heart out. I’ve been in the depths as you were and I know the pain of not wanting to live. I wish you continued happiness and peace. I thank god that I have found it an dam able to be a mom to my son.

  5. , wow! This is truly amazing to read. I’m so happy to hear that you’ve come full circle and are at a happy place right now. To all the possibilities to come! God is Great!

  6. Pingback: Disappointment Sucks and I Feel Pretty Stupid for Feeling This Way | ButterflyConfessions

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