*WARNING: There will be expletives…and a heavy dose of sarcasm*
I’m sitting here staring at this little white pill.
My hands are shaking….heart is pounding.
Not the “oh I’m SO excited! I can’t contain it!” kind of pounding but the “I about to f*cking DIE because a Tyrannosaurus Rex is about to eat my ass!” kind of pounding.
Stifling the panic rising in my throat is proving to be more difficult than usual. Oh wait-I forgot I have Xanax for that. Pardon me while I, uh, medicate.
Ok. Where was I? Oh yea. Shaking hands…heart pounding…panic rising.
I know what you’re thinking: “Really? It’s just a pill. Stop being so dramatic and take the damn thing. Why write about this?’
I’ll tell you why.
Because out of all the medications I’ve taken since my very first surgery back in kindergarten, out of all the medications I’ve taken to treat my disorder, I have NEVER seen a medication with the following side effects:
That’s right. Taking this antipsychotic will not only possibly give me the squirts, jackhammer migraines, and heart damage, it will also turn me INTO A FUCKING WORM. Or something that is closely related to one….or has movements resembling one. They consider that a “serious unwanted side effect”? You bet your ass it’s unwanted.
“Um, yes I know my mind is really a train wreck, but I’d trade it to lose all kind of motor control over my tongue & the rest of my body.” -Said no one. Ever.
-“Fine, worm-like movements”?! “Of the tongue”?! Wha-Who? Why? Wher-?
I don’t even know what to say.
So let me get this straight. I have to take a medication that could possibly cause me to have “worm-like” movements at any given time?
Like when I’m sitting on the couch watching Super Why with the boys, I might just start wriggling on the floor? How am I supposed to discipline them or have them take me seriously after they see that shit?
Or when I go to hug Bertski when he comes home from work, he might think I’m challenging him to some kind of pop-locking competition because my arms and legs suddenly have minds of their own?
Or while I’m eating dinner my tongue is going to start writhing and slithering in my mouth while I chew?
Seriously, who wants that? Who wants to take that kind of a risk? Sure my psych said it will help calm my OCD symptoms, but I’d rather scrub my baseboards til my knuckles bleed than become another species while I’m checking out at Target.
I’m usually one of those “this sucks, but I just gotta go with the flow,” type of people when it comes to side effects. To me, I’ve always weighed the cost of my sanity vs. the cost of physical discomfort and just done what I have to do.
It’s like being told I’m going to become a character in some kind of Twilight story-line. Hmmm let’s see? Team Bipolar or Team Worm?
I swear sometimes with medication it’s like you have to decide which level of hell you’d rather live in. Bathe in boiling blood or have your eyeballs picked out by ravens while worms eat your insides?
Hmmm…I just don’t know which one screams “self-care.”
Oh wait, yes I f*cking do. How about pharmaceutical companies use all the damn technology we have to come up with drugs that keep people alive and make them well instead of possibly killing them or making them shit on themselves in public.
We can send drones in to find Osama Bin Laden, but we can’t find a better way to drug people? You’ve got to be kidding me.
I want to get better, not become a human compost eater.
Why can’t medications have side effects like “might cause excessive sexiness,” or “may cause you to develop Tina Fey’s humor,” or “call your doctor if you notice platinum & diamonds in your bowels.” Ya, know something that improves my health AND my bank account. I don’t think it’s an unreasonable request.
Hell, I’d take lactating orange juice over “fine, worm-like movements” any day. It would save me from having to buy a juicer.
I’m going to take this medication. But only for my kids. They need their mama and they’re worth risking becoming the main attraction in Ripley’s Believe It or Not. But if I was single and childless? You don’t even wanna know how far gone I’d become to avoid this nonsense.
So I’m taking it. For my kids. And Bertski.
And you. But only if you promise to still have a drink with me…and my worm-like body.
If you could pick a side effect to have, what would it be?