Side Effects of the Worm-Kind

*WARNING: There will be expletives…and a heavy dose of sarcasm*

I’m sitting here staring at this little white pill.

My hands are shaking….heart is pounding.

Not the “oh I’m SO excited! I can’t contain it!” kind of pounding but the “I about to f*cking DIE because a Tyrannosaurus Rex is about to eat my ass!” kind of pounding.

Stifling the panic rising in my throat is proving to be more difficult than usual. Oh wait-I forgot I have Xanax for that. Pardon me while I, uh, medicate.


Ok. Where was I? Oh yea. Shaking hands…heart pounding…panic rising.

I know what you’re thinking: “Really? It’s just a pill. Stop being so dramatic and take the damn thing. Why write about this?’

I’ll tell you why.

Because out of all the medications I’ve taken since my very first surgery back in kindergarten, out of all the medications I’ve taken to treat my disorder, I have NEVER seen a medication with the following side effects:

That’s right. Taking this antipsychotic will not only possibly give me the squirts, jackhammer migraines, and heart damage, it will also turn me INTO A FUCKING WORM. Or something that is closely related to one….or has movements resembling one. They consider that a “serious unwanted side effect”? You bet your ass it’s unwanted.

“Um, yes I know my mind is really a train wreck, but I’d trade it to lose all kind of motor control over my tongue & the rest of my body.” -Said no one. Ever.

-“Fine, worm-like movements”?! “Of the tongue”?! Wha-Who? Why? Wher-?

I don’t even know what to say.

So let me get this straight. I have to take a medication that could possibly cause me to have “worm-like” movements at any given time?

Like when I’m sitting on the couch watching Super Why with the boys, I might just start wriggling on the floor? How am I supposed to discipline them or have them take me seriously after they see that shit?

Or when I go to hug Bertski when he comes home from work, he might think I’m challenging him to some kind of pop-locking competition because my arms and legs suddenly have minds of their own?

Or while I’m eating dinner my tongue is going to start writhing and slithering in my mouth while I chew?


Seriously, who wants that? Who wants to take that kind of a risk? Sure my psych said it will help calm my OCD symptoms, but I’d rather scrub my baseboards til my knuckles bleed than become another species while I’m checking out at Target.

I’m usually one of those “this sucks, but I just gotta go with the flow,” type of people when it comes to side effects. To me, I’ve always weighed the cost of my sanity vs. the cost of physical discomfort and just done what I have to do.

But this?

It’s like being told I’m going to become a character in some kind of Twilight story-line. Hmmm let’s see? Team Bipolar or Team Worm?

I swear sometimes with medication it’s like you have to decide which level of hell you’d rather live in. Bathe in boiling blood or have your eyeballs picked out by ravens while worms eat your insides?

Hmmm…I just don’t know which one screams “self-care.”

Oh wait, yes I f*cking do. How about pharmaceutical companies use all the damn technology we have to come up with drugs that keep people alive and make them well instead of possibly killing them or making them shit on themselves in public.

We can send drones in to find Osama Bin Laden, but we can’t find a better way to drug people? You’ve got to be kidding me.

I want to get better, not become a human compost eater.

Why can’t medications have side effects like “might cause excessive sexiness,” or “may cause you to develop Tina Fey’s humor,” or “call your doctor if you notice platinum & diamonds in your bowels.” Ya, know something that improves my health AND my bank account. I don’t think it’s an unreasonable request.

Hell, I’d take lactating orange juice over “fine, worm-like movements” any day. It would save me from having to buy a juicer.

I’m going to take this medication. But only for my kids. They need their mama and they’re worth risking becoming the main attraction in Ripley’s Believe It or Not. But if I was single and childless? You don’t even wanna know how far gone I’d become to avoid this nonsense.

So I’m taking it. For my kids. And Bertski.

And you. But only if you promise to still have a drink with me…and my worm-like body.

If you could pick a side effect to have, what would it be?


6 thoughts on “Side Effects of the Worm-Kind

  1. fine worm like movements of the tongue is the weirdest and creepiest side effect i have ever heard in my life. thankfully for you it is probably VERY unlikely that it will happen. if i could choose a side effect it would be “may cause obsessive cleaning”, i totally suck at cleaning. if it has to be a REAL side effect we’re choosing here, i choose weight loss!

  2. Once again, you’re braver than I. I’m too scared of side effects anymore. They keep me from trying anything new. I’m at a loss. I hope you don’t become a worm, ever.

  3. :)) this cheers me up :)in a sarcastic kind of way:/ … I’ve been on anti-psychotic drugs for the past 15 years, off and on. (15 years sounds like a long time,,, I’m 39, young at heart:) and I’ve always been normal. Drs said marijuana caused me acute paranoid szizophrenia 😦 I think I’m as normal as I can be, but anyways.. Last year I noticed the worm like movement in my tongue. I freaked out:0
    I stuck my tongue out in front of a mirror and closed my lips, to check. Anyways, it bugs me- cause I don’t really know what it is, what it does, or why ..- much like the meds. So I keep googleing it. When I read your post I laughed out load, and it kind of cheered me up. Thanks 🙂 but good luck to you, and keep well.
    Christinea D.

    • I’m not a worm yet far still human 🙂 The best is to talk to doctor, and not panic. No need for panic. Really. I think they will come up with better, safer drugs, sooner than later. There are, after all more people needing treatment these days, unfortunately. Let’s hope it’s soon! Good idea to write about it, too! Needs to get out there.
      Christinea D

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