My thoughts are loud this morning.
Too noisy. Too active. Too frantic. Too chaotic.
Completely unharnessed,they bounce around my mind like hundreds of tiny balls in a pinball machine.
Up & down they are propelled & pushed this way & that, knocking into & bouncing off of each other. I feel like I’m in an overcrowded room, but it’s just me.
Raucous…I’ve got a rather noisy raucous going on inside my head.
It’s confusing…disorienting. Everything is moving too fast…one thought just blends seamlessly into the next.
It’s like getting caught on a merry go round that’s spinning out of control…you can’t jump off so you just hold on and pray the ride is over soon.
Fleeting…my thoughts don’t stay in one place long enough for any kind of processing to occur.
But yet here I am…watching Super Why & Avengers with the boys. Eating breakfast, changing diapers, doing laundry, eagerly anticipating my psych’s voice on the other end of the line telling me what the next course of action is…trying to be an active participant in our lives. Being a mother while needing mothering myself.
My only prayer during episodes like this is that my boys suffer no damage. I do my best to keep it all contained so it doesn’t spill out and ravage them the way it does me.
So I function with my dysfunction instead of trying to beat it.
I try and lose myself in each squeal and every laugh that fills the house in the hopes they will drown out the noise in my head fighting to be heard.
It’s days like this I could use a mute button.