I feel messy.
Undone, unglued, unkempt, vulnerable and exposed….
Yes I feel all of those.
It’s funny how something you discussed in therapy a week ago can sneak up on you and cut you to pieces with the revelation that rises to the surface.
You see I’ve been trying to figure out why I can’t seem to get past the feelings I have for my ex no matter how hard I try….or how much time passes by. I’ve been trying to understand why I want to tear through my skin every time he mentions his plans to start dating this year. I can’t picture having a life with him anymore like I used to but the thought of him moving on without me makes me livid…and feeling worthless, like I’m not enough, not good enough for him or any other man.
While I painted today it dawned on me that it’s the rejection that’s causing the feelings of worthlessness. The fact that I feel abandoned has me reeling. I know he cares for me, he says I’ll always be special to him, but for some reason, that’s not good enough for me….
I realized today it’s not good enough because I’ve spent my life trying to prove my worth to the men in my life…I’ve spent it overcompensating, hoping and desiring above all else to just be enough, to be wanted, to be kept, to be cared for and looked after.
Daddy issues? You bet it all stems from that. My dad rejected me and made it a point to tell me I wasn’t worth loving and treated me as such. So of course I went into every relationship seeking the validation I never received as a young girl…
Even my stepfather…even he destroyed any sense of worth I had by sexually abusing me….
Brennan’s father….he left me as soon as he found out I wanted to keep Brennan and not abort him….he married his next girlfriend a year or so later….
My ex….we just didn’t work but I wanted us to so desperately. I wanted a family and a sense of security. It’s hard not to feel like my illness and own hang ups robbed me of that. It’s hard to ignore the sting of words like “You honestly expect someone to cycle through this illness with you?! I can’t, I refuse to. I just can’t,” from the person you care the most about. It’s hard to take responsibility for your part in the demise of your relationship but at the same time feel abandoned and rejected…especially upon hearing he is ready to move on to someone else…
It’s painful to realize that every man you’ve ever trusted with all of you, abused you, left you, or rejected you…tossed you aside and moved on without looking back to see how you’re picking up the pieces….
It’s so hard to feel worthy and treasured when you’ve been treated like you’re less than.
The pain and weight of this understanding overwhelmed me with each stroke I painted today, tears mixing with paint and staining the canvas I leaned over.
Messy. I felt so messy.
And I poured it all out, all the rejection, all the worthlessness I felt….I poured it all out onto canvas after canvas, smearing paint and tears, muttering and babbling to myself as the pain inside came spilling out, in search of some kind of articulation. It begged to be released and I let it run free until I felt it leave my body.
It’s in intense moments like this, when I’m the most exposed and emotionally bare that thoughts of self-harm try to entice….but instead unturned a deaf ear, grabbed a brush, dipped it in black paint and painted the the words
“I am worthy, I am enough,” on my chest and arms.
I said the words out loud as I painted each one upon my skin, the cold paint feeling like a soothing balm to my raw emotions.
This self-love journey….isn’t easy. I’m learning that liberation only comes if you’re willing to endure the pain of breaking through the shackles that hold you prisoner.
So even though my last therapy session and today’s revelation destroyed me, I know I’m better for it, and am closer to actually believing that the two words I painted on my arms actually apply to me.