Beautifully Broken: Who Am I? Remind Me


When I lose my way, and I forget my name….

I’m a human full of imperfections, selfish desires, insecurities, frailties & failures. I’m weak when I should be strong, I doubt when I should believe. I neglect God, I neglect myself, I go my own way instead of His, I cave to my own wants & needs…I live by the law and subconsciously reject unconditional love & grace. I hate myself instead of love who He made me to be, I hide behind my walls of defense instead of allowing others in…especially when they’ve hurt me. I don’t forgive enough-myself or others. I’m angry, I struggle with bitterness, I fight feelings of resentment….I am whatever others say I am…I am defined by their opinions of me…

…remind me who I am

In the mirror all I see, is who I don’t want to be….

I compare myself to others, especially other women. Their success, their accomplishments, their looks, their clothes….they are all better than me, prettier than me, funnier than me, more capable than me. My belly, my thighs, my awkward feet, stubby toes and sausage fingers…my round face and the number on the scale define how I view myself and dictate the posture I carry, as evidence when I put my head down as I walk past another person…who I know is better than me…right?

…remind me who I am.

in the loneliest places, when I can’t remember what grace is…

I’m depressed. I’m always anxious, worrying and fretting over the future, forgetting to live in the present and enjoy the little moments that are now.  I’m Bipolar. I’m high: I forget to talk to you, thinking that I know it all, that I don’t need You or anyone else.  My impulses control me because it’s hard to find the STOP button when I’m so high.

I’m low: I self-harm to release the pain because I don’t know what else will ease the pressure when the intensity of my emotions is pushed into the red.  I forget Your promises and what it’s like to have the peace, strength, comfort & joy that’s found in your love because I can’t imagine a God so big loving someone as small and lowly and insignificant as me. I don’t matter, so I allow myself to sink lower and deeper into the gravity well until I’m buried alive by the desire to just die.  I forget that love saves, love wins, and that mercy & forgiveness are at the end of Your hand.

…remind me who I am 

When I can’t receive your love, afraid I’ll never be enough….

I’m not worthy. I’m not lovable. Life has taught me I’m not valuable, and I don’t matter. Yet You say I am and I do.  I’ve been broken, I’ve been abused, I’ve been beaten, I’ve been shamed…Yet You say I am Yours. You say I am Your beloved, a precious treasure, unable to ever be separated from Your LOVE no matter my indiscretion.  I hustle for worthiness, yet You died so my quest for worth is in vain-My worth is in You you say.

If I’m your beloved, would help me believe it. 

I’m the one You love….that will be enough. 

Tell me…once again who I am to You, that I belong to You. 

I struggle with being human. I struggle with being a human who has a mental illness and is a Christian. But I’m grateful for reminders like the ones outlined in this song….

I just wish God would stop reminding of His love for me while I’m driving. I heard this song on the radio and nearly crashed into a tree because my vision was all messed up from the flood of tears that attacked my eyeballs.

Who am I? I may have a lot of struggles and be a lot of things, but He reminded me today that I am beLOVEd. I am His. And so are you. Let’s work on believing it, shall we?

We are...

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “Beautifully Broken: Who Am I? Remind Me

  1. I think that once you get this under control, you wll find yourself again. You will look in the mirror and go “Ah, there you are”…and you’re beautiful.
    Believe me sweets, this will come to you.
    Your soul is beautiful in words.
    xoox

  2. Just cried when I read this, because this is how I feel SO often! I almost fell out of my chair when you said you feel unlovable, because I thought I was the only one who felt that way! I feel undesirable, unworthy, all those things you said..and your reminders from God were reminders for me too. So thank you for sharing your heart.

      • I just found this website. Awesome!! AddyeB. I have spent an entire lifetime thinking I am the only person feeling like this. Thanks for all the encouranging words and for your ability to not be afraid and post your true feelings. Maybe, I have finallly met some friends. Thanks you all of you who have posted on this site.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s