Breaking Down


Angry….

Irritable….

Hurt….

Loneliness….

Immobilized…

Pain….

Numb….

Crying….

Despair…..

I’ve spent my entire day being consumed, beaten down, and surrounded by all of the emotions listed above.

Depressive mood? PMS? Mixed state? Manic? Crazy? I don’t know how to label or describe myself anymore. I’m too tired to sort through or make sense of it. I just know that I am experiencing all of these sensations and being wracked by emotions and thoughts that make me feel…..unwell to put it mildly.

I haven’t slept well in almost 3 weeks- since I got sick. Insomnia- I know it’s here, but I can’t force it to leave, and sleeping pills? They no longer have an effect.

I thought the dosage increase in my anti-depressant was helping. But I’m starting to question that now-what if this made it worse? I’m sure forgetting my meds for a few days last week didn’t help….

My thoughts have been loud, disruptive, and racing faster since yesterday…. Probably explains why I feel everything I mentioned above at such an intense level….

3 months ago, I walked into the VA hospital because the pressure of my emotions was so intense I was afraid I would lose my desire to live. Today? My grip on that desire has slipped and the pendulum is swinging faster and heavier than before.

Aside from calling my psych, I don’t know how else to cope. I can’t pray, I have no one to talk to- better yet, I don’t want to talk to anyone around me. For what? It just seems pointless- it’s not like they can do anything. Besides, most of them are the same people who told me they can’t handle my “issues,” so….why reach out? They can’t help me, and I’m struggling to help myself…..

I’m tired. Tired of clawing, wrestling, and fighting with this. I’ve been fighting my way through abuse, molestation, stress, mistakes and the consequences of poor decisions since i was a kid. I’m 28. I don’t view myself so much as a victim as I do a woman who just doesn’t have anything left in her to get beyond this. Things get better for awhile, I get better for awhile but then I’m either triggered or I get complacent and everything goes to hell. It’s cycle that’s been repeating itself since I was 13. I’m at the base of the hill again, and when I look up at the top, I realize I don’t have it in me to climb…..

Yet…. I know I have to. But not for myself. For my boys. Especially when it comes to Bren, it’s just me. I have full custody of him, his father is non-existent….so it’s up to me to take care of him. At least Alex has his father…Bren just has me, so if for nobody else I have to climb again so I can be the parent he needs and deserves.

I’ve been thinking about quitting school all day. Ditching my aspirations and career goals, my desire to be an advocate, a voice for those who are hurting, a stigma destroyer in African American and Christian cultures, and just….existing. Getting a minimum wage job that pays the bills and requires minimal thinking. I can’t even manage MY problems, how the hell do I expect or think I can help someone else manage theirs?

The most painful thing? All day I’ve been hearing my dad’s voice reiterating something he’s told me since I was a child: “You’ll never be anything worthwhile. You’ll never be more than what you are- a f— up, who will never change. You’ll always have a messed up life because that’s what you deserve…. I don’t want you, and neither will anyone else. Deal with it.”

There’s a part of me that’s never believed that and has been fighting against that statement for years. But the other part of me that’s stuck in this cycle, that’s currently having to battle that AND BPD? That part of me is starting to believe it.

So what so I do? Let’s hope my psych calls me back tomorrow, my meds are adjusted, and I step back from the brink of this over the next month. In the meantime? Autopilot. Just…. existing until I feel the strength to fight to live again. maybe I won’t have to change my major or drop out of school. Maybe I’ll get better and be back to laughing and dancing soon….maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll be able have a firmer grasp on my faith soon.

I’m hoping so…. Not for my sake, but for my boys’. Until then….there’s always autopilot mode. That’s enough for now, isn’t it?

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “Breaking Down

  1. Sweet heart,
    You can ALWAYS talk to me. I’m never too busy to talk to you and I hope that you know that.
    In this whatever it is state, do not, DO NOT make any desicions. Meaning don’t quit school. Wait until your mind is in a better place before doing that ok?
    I wish I had the magical answer…I mean, I do all the self care out the whazoo…but sometimes it isn’t enough. sometimes I think just wading through it is all that we can do.
    I hope though that you did call your psych. Some antidepressants make bipolar worse. I was on Cymbalta for a long while after my diagnosis and we eventually had to taper completely off of it because it made me worse.
    Also, missing meds can mess you up and it might take a little time to get back on track ya know?
    I know how tired you are. I know that your soul is weary and needs rest. Keep fighting for those beautiful babes of yours. They want and need you to fight so badly.
    We are going to get through this. We need to keep telling ourselves that. Even on the bad days when the pain is so intense, just remind yourself, I can do this.
    You’re not a F*** up. I will kick anyone in the moose knuckle if I hear them say that about you.
    Love your face. I hate that you’re hurting.

  2. I’m so sorry you are in a bad place right now, please know there are many people that love & care about you! I admire the person you are, your transparency, that alone is a beautiful thing. You have a gift, your writing is amazing. You are not those things your father said you are. Do not let his vile words define you. It makes me sick to my stomach to think you have been carrying those words around with you, everywhere you go. You are Beautiful, you are Intelligent, you are Loved, you are Worth Your Weight in Gold! ❤

  3. I’m sorry you’re in pain, but this is an excellent piece. You will be great at helping people in your future career because I’m sure you have more empathy than the average person after all that you’ve had to deal with. Keep moving ahead! You can do it!

  4. Pingback: College Mama: Mountain Climbing – ButterflyConfessions

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s