It’s Self-Love Saturday so guess what we’re going to talk about today?
Have you ever gone streaking? Before today I never had. Yep, that’s right, I’m going streaking…actually at this moment I am streaking. It’s already done, so I can’t go back. Where am I streaking to? The box. My box. Let me explain…
Aside from an insane amount of schoolwork & midterms to get through this week, in the back of my mind, I’ve been pondering some things. Nearly three months after my break up, a move, a diagnosis, and starting my next round of educational pursuits, I find myself asking: ” Ok….now what? Where do I go from here?” I’m looking at my new surroundings, the new people I’m meeting, the school I’m attending, my degree program, my boys & myself, and I find myself wondering how I navigate this new terrain, and even wonder if I know where I’m going. I have a map to guide me, but parts of it are missing…or rather, parts of ME are missing & I need to get them back in order to complete my journey.
Parts of me are missing…M.I.A….hidden…..lost….buried under the tangled webs of other’s opinions & expectations. Smothered even, under layers of guilt, shame, sadness, and anger over things I’ve done and things that have been done to me. Parts of me are missing. Important parts. Vital parts. Parts that make me who I am, parts that complete the picture, complete ME.
My therapist must have been reading my mind. When I walked into her office on Tuesday & we started chatting, she asked me if I had “the boxes.” Huh? Boxes? What boxes woman? She reached in her desk and pulled out sheets of paper that had several boxes with word in them….the first box looked like this:
The other boxes had lots of stars, arrows, more words, & more lines, like this one:
And then the final one looked like this:
As I sat there staring at the piece of paper with boxes on it, she gently said to me,” A’Driane, do you know what happened to your original box?”
“You see, inside the first box is everything that is important to us, what we value, what makes us who we are…it’s US. And we place a boundary around those things. But sometimes, as you can see from the second picture, when we are involved in friendships & relationships with significant others or family members, that boundary line gets distorted and moved.”
Ok, I get that…but how do they get moved And where did the extra boxes or lines come from?
“Our boundary lines shift as we interact with those in our lives. The shifting is sometimes necessary but it can get ugly and become unhealthy very quickly if not shifted for the right reasons. You see, the more you do something that you don’t want to do, the more you do things that make who YOU are at the core uncomfortable, the more you compromise yourself for someone else & their feelings & comfort, the more your own boundaries shift, and the further away from the box you get. Make sense?”
I think so…so what I’ve been doing most of my life and in my relationships…and family is shifting my boundaries around in an attempt to get validation, love, acceptance, or anything like that?
“Yes. How do you feel knowing that?”
Well it explains why I’m angry with people….angry with my ex…matter of fact with all the men in my life except my boys.
“Do you think it explains anything else?”
It explains why I don’t have a box anymore…or if I do, it’s buried under all this other crap I’ve been doing & what I’ve been basing my life off of. I’ve been compromising myself thinking doing so would make a person change or make people change their opinion of me, but….
But it hasn’t…it hasn’t gotten me anywhere but….but feeling trapped inside all these boxes I created by ignoring my own….and being angry, hurt, & disappointed about it. Feeling lonely because of it…
“I think you know what you need to do, don’t you?”
Yep. Gotta go back to the box.
My original box. The one that houses all things A’Driane & who God made her to be. Good, bad, whatever, it’s all there. And I’ve got to stop shifting my boundaries in a way that’s detrimental to my well being. That’s not self-love, not at all.
At the beginning of the year, I didn’t make any resolutions. Instead I chose one word: COMMITMENT. That one word has been my quiet focus all year-even during my lowest moments. God told me that He will give me beauty for the truckloads of ashes I have in my life (Isaiah 61:3) but only if I would be committed to Him sweep them up & carry them away. It hasn’t been easy-it’s been pure hell to be honest. But even during my lowest & darkest moments, He would remind me of His promise, my word, & I would keep going.
Today I solidified that commitment by going streaking. I’ve always been a woman who loves to express herself through her hair. So it only makes sense that I would finally put blue streaks in my hair. Why blue? Because a group of bloggers have been going blue since last month to raise awareness for mental health & suicide prevention, and I am proud of and have been emboldened by their efforts. Because I know what it’s like to live with a mental illness. Because I want to help those who have suffered trauma, abuse, & mental illness like depression or bipolar disorder. I’m going to school for counseling, and I want to be a dance movement therapist who helps people heal & cope through movement & dance. I’m committed to ensuring my mental health is where it needs to be & to helping others do the same.
I also put purple/pink streaks behind the blue ones. To remind me & to show others that there’s always hope, there’s always LIFE, there’s always LOVE, there’s always joy behind the blue-we just have to work to see it…to live it…to be it. The purple/pink also symbolize my commitment to self-love, owning my story, & living a wholehearted lifestyle. I know I can, and I believe that the past 3 months I’ve gotten the tools I need to live it.
But in order to do that, I’ve got to get back to the box. To what makes A’Driane, A’Driane. So I can find the parts of me I’ve put away on shelves & wipe the dust of abuse, of mental illness, of mistakes, of pain, of anger, of LIFE away. So He can make me whole.
I’m streaking my way back to my box, but what about you? Is there a part of you lying in storage or up on a shelf somewhere? Something you put away because life shifted your boundaries & you never shifted them back? Do you feel trapped by all the boxes you see around you now…do you wonder what happened to yours? If so I would encourage you to take some time to reflect and take inventory…if you’re missing some parts of yourself, I’m sure you can find them again-you just have to go back to your box.