I have a love/hate relationship with my glasses. Things between my glasses and I have been complicated since I first started wearing them in kindergarten. See, there are pros & cons to this relationship.
The Pros : I’m a geek. A nerdy gal. I enjoy being so. I’m a writer, I create, I’ve grown to loving the ability to pick out a pair of specs that reflect different aspects of my personality….well at least nowadays. Back when I first started wearing them in 1989, they weren’t so uh…stylish. Whose glad times have changed and so have the fashions in the eye wear department? THIS NERD. 🙂 But let’s be real, the most important pro of all is the fact that I can FREAKIN SEE. How blind am I? Let’s just say I’m grateful for the guy who has to sand down my lenses at the lab-he always does a phenomenal job and I can see all the way to Jupiter!
My glasses are always outrageously expensive because my eyes don’t like me and are shaped like grains of rice. My astigmatism in both eyes is severe and gets worse every year apparently. The other con? They let me FREAKIN SEE. Everything.
Why on earth do I count that as a con? Simple: without my glasses on, the vision I have of myself is never complete, and for someone who struggles in the self-esteem department, there’s an unexpected comfort that comes from that. Not wearing my glasses allows me to not see the physical things about myself I don’t like. At least not in telescopic, 3D fashion. It’s like editing a photo, you know where you can use photoshop tools to blur out or cover up what you don’t want seen? Not wearing my specs is like that for me.
So it goes like this. I get ready to go somewhere or just you know wash my face if I’m staying home for the day. When I’m done, I look at myself in the mirror…sometimes I may have a little (mineral) makeup, most days I don’t, but I’ll look and give myself an assessment. You know…how I think I look on a scale of “OMG UGH-oooooh girl, you look FIERCE!” It usually falls somewhere in the middle…most days. But then I grab my specs, look at myself again, and all I can see are all the things I don’t like about myself, everything that I think is a physical imperfection glaringly staring right back at me. In plain sight. However I was initially feeling about my looks usually slides a few pegs down the scale at that point….
With my glasses I have a more realistic view of how I look….but my body image and self-esteem pretty much suck. Always has since I was a little girl. I’m sure talk therapy would reveal the root of it is steeped in daddy issues. He never validated me, he always pointed out what he thought was wrong with me physically, was always trying to change how I looked, he controlled how my hair was done & what clothes I wore. To this day I have a complex about my feet because this man took me shopping for sandals and embarrassingly laughed at me when I tried on a pair-I was 11. I thought the entire store could hear him describe my “ugly feet” that weren’t “sandal feet”. I’ve since grown to accept how my feet look, but I have insecurities about them still. Getting a pedicure is like torture, I can’t take the anxiety about what Sally thinks of my toes.
But anyway, my point is this. For years, especially the past year, I’ve been hating the way I
look. I mean HATE. I look in the mirror and man, I just see a body that resembles nothing the one I had at 21. Or even before my last pregnancy. My breasts, my girls, they sag. Forget eye of the tiger, I’ve got his stripes. Have a slew of stretch marks too. I look like my dad, so I see his features. I’m at the highest weight I’ve ever been in (175-181 range), so my face is round and puffier than I’m used to. I just don’t like what I look like. Hated putting my glasses on & having what I hate stare back at & taunt me.
That is until today. All day today I thought about acceptance. About what it means to accept my body…what having a healthy body image means. I generated a lot of thoughts about it, but to start I’ll just say that I made a decision today to just accept what I see.
Just accept it. Face it. Embrace it. Whether I like it or not. Just accept everything about me
Accept me. Own me. Embrace me. So, to show my commitment and to officially sign my pledge if you will, I took some pictures. To show that I’m no longer hiding behind blurry vision or despising myself. As you can see I’ve, posted them among these words…
Here’s to the conclusion of another Self-Love Saturday and me striving to see myself through a healthier, wholesome lens.
I’d like to thank Shape of A Mother for helping me take this step….
What lens do you view your physical self through? What do you think distorts or sharpens it? Feel free to share below….