Confession: I can’t handle being nagged, micro managed, or controlled to a degree that borders on unhealthy.
I grew up with a control freak of a father so to me my inability to handle such things is no surprise. He made every decision from what I ate to what clothes I wore to how I did my hair.
Growing up this way made me determined to fight for and maintain some sort of independence for myself, almost to a fault I admit. Because I was robbed of the ability to think for myself as a child/teen, trying to learn to do so as an adult has been a challenging one, one that involves a lot of second guessing myself and my decisions as I navigate up the hill. I also appreciate people’s advice and the wisdom they dispense but even if I totally agree with them, sometimes I just have to see/learn for myself. Not because I want to rebel or be defiant or think I know better, but because I’m trying to experience it so that I form my own conclusions and learn more about myself and my life. But don’t get me wrong-I always keep the wisdom or advice I’ve been given in the back of my mind as a reminder or a gut check that tells me when I’ve gone far enough.
Being in the military, I was at a base where our every move was micro managed-It drove me and my co workers crazy. That’s one reason why I didn’t stay in. That’s not to say I can’t follow directions or listen to authority. I can and do, but when it starts to feel smothering or too restricting something in me can’t take it.
When I come in contact with people who exhibit as much stubborness as me or control freak tendencies I usually reach a point where I just give in. I don’t do well with power struggles-I figure if you want to call the shots that bad, who am I to prevent that? So after awhile it just drains me so I retreat, concede, and try to be as supportive as possible while praying for the best outcome.
So I grew up with a control freak dad, have had to fight for the ability to think for myself and have independence and don’t deal well with being micro managed. Oh and I concede to those who’s stubborness or need to control outweighs mine because I’d just rather let the other person have it.
All of this pretty much adds up to the fact that its hard for me to let God have control in my life. Surrendering and conceding to people is easy-I can physically see them and what they do. But I can’t see God. Sure I feel Him, sense His presence when I worship Him or try to talk to Him. But I can’t see Him, I can’t see what He’s doing, I can’t peek over His shoulder and see what He’s working on when it comes to my life. And that freaks me out. So that turns me into the control freak I despise. I become the resistor, the one who holds tightly to my independence and my constant need to figure it out on my own with an iron clad death grip. But at the same time my heart yearns to surrender, to let Him take control. Its just that from my experience the people I’ve given control of my life to (or they just took it) have just jacked it up or abused it, myself included.
So I’m trying, very hard to learn to let go. Loosen my grip. Let God do His thing and just trust in Him and not my own thoughts. I’m putting down the chisel and walking away from the urge to carve out my life and just let Him do it for me. His designs are better anyway. I mean afterall, I’m not handy with a hammer and nail-Jesus was a carpenter. I suck at drawing, God is the master illustrator, the ultimate creator.
And He keeps telling me that if I just let go and focus on Him, His design for my life will take shape and come to life. He knows what I want, what my heart desires, and although I didn’t do it because I thought I knew better, I spent the past two years trying to carve it into what I thought it should be. I wanted to try and keep what I thought was my family together but well…I couldn’t. Especially with a partner who was just as stubborn and controlling as me.
So I’m done fighting. Done carving. I’m letting go, I’m losing control. And praying that while I can’t see what He’s doing, He’s working out the kinks in me and working out His plans for my life and that of my children.
Did I mention this is SCARY?! I’M FREAKING OUT!!!!!! UGH! Pray for a chic! 🙂