My relationship ended for a second time Saturday night. Only this time it ended quietly-no blow up, no mean, nasty barbs traded this time. It ended with a simple argument mixed with a tablespoon of frustration from both parties…and when I woke up Sunday morning he was gone. No good bye, nothing-just silence. I sent a text Sunday after church telling him of a renewed committment to a particular part of my faith, and he responded by informing me he was “taking a step back” from this relationship.The first time we broke up, I didn’t know what to think. This time, my gut told me it was over-there would be no stepping forward- and I needed to get to work picking up the pieces of my life ASAP. This time, there’s a certain finality I wasn’t expecting.
I spent last night sobbing hysterically on my floor…crying as I bathed my two boys and put them to bed-their curiously concerned faces begging to know why mommy was upset…crying as I walked around my apartment trying to clean up and keep the tsunami of pain in my heart at bay. Crying in my bed after I just gave up and let the first waves of sickening pain engulf me, swallowing me in a despair that left me gasping for air-and praying to God to send me a dose of peace big enough to satiate the appetite of the ravenous beast that was ripping and tearing my heart apart.
Sounds dramatic…I know. I wish that’s all it was. I wish I was exaggerating. I wish it hadn’t felt like that. I wish last night had never happened. I wish none of this had. But wishful thinking is just that. I have to deal with reality instead.
I wish I could put into words how tired I am of pain. Pain. Pain from my own crappy decisions and pain from others and theirs. Pain. I mess up, I’m not perfect, but I try. I try and work hard, even when I don’t want to, to just hang in there and tough it out. Even when I have nothing left, I still try. And its never good enough, its just never enough. Giving, compromising even to the detriment of myself and my relationship with God (HUGE mistake-lesson learned), sacrificing, hell sacrificing even my body- so someone else could have a child-a beautiful child-and all I get in return…is pain. I’m so sick of PAIN.
p.s. I still love him.