In need of Grace…and Change

Today was a painful reminder of how incredibly tired I’ve been lately…

It’s seems like the situations and circumstances of the past 15 months were an attempt to chip away at my motivation to persevere and determination to keep climbing this mountain otherwise known as my life. Right now I don’t even care if I reach the top, I know I have a long way to go before I get there and really start hitting my stride, but I’d at least like to reach a little ledge I can rest on. I’m so tired…

I could write a laundry list detailing what I’m tired of, but there are really only two I feel are wearing me out the most: Being a single mother and the choices I make that put myself in less than ideal situations.

Being a mother is WORK in and of itself. Being a mother doing it on your own while trying to build a business, attain your degree, and build a career is….well, exhausting. I have moments where my kids remind me how awesome motherhood is, but lately with everything going on around and in me, those moments are becoming harder and harder to come by….though I’m holding on, I’m finding it increasingly more difficult to count it all joy….the load has gotten to be too much for me to bear on my own…but there’s no one else I can hand it off to…so I just keep readjusting and keep climbing.

That’s the other thing I’m tired of: being alone, tired of carrying this on my own. I’m upset with myself for making decisions that led to me being in this by myself…I’m nauseatingly sick and overwhelmingly tired of making decisions thinking that things will work out, only for me to end up with the same result: alone.  Something has to change…I have to alter my decision making process because I really cannot take this anymore…I have reached my limit…

There are times in our lives when we reach the end of ourselves-when everything we’ve tried has failed and we have run out of ideas….when our minds can no longer “figure things out” and we need to rely on something outside of ourselves to survive…I really feel for people who don’t believe in something other than themselves…if you don’t believe in God but have reached the end of yourself, what do you do? My only solace in this perpetual state of fatigue I’ve found myself in is that I know that God is real and that when I’ve reached to end of my limit and have grown weary of doing things my own way, He’s always there to step and say “Now let’s try this MY way, shall we?”  If there’s one thing I’ve learned since getting out of the Air Force in 2006 it’s that God has plans for us, for our lives (Jeremiah 29:11 says so) and that His plans are ALWAYS far better than the plans we make for ourselves.  I’ve also learned that God is not the type to force Himself or His plans for your life on you…it’s a choice we have to make-that’s why we were given free will….But even though we, in our humaness, still try to work things out on our own, He’s always there with love, mercy and abounding grace to show us a better way…

Grace…is a gift from God that enables us to do what we can’t on our own….Grace is the supernatural ability to accomplish what we in our humanity cannot. Looking at 28 years of life, that’s where I’m at in my life-I need God’s grace to make the changes necessary to build a better life for myself and my children. I need grace to give me wisdom and to guide me down paths my feet have ignored because they’ve been busy chasing after their own agenda  instead. I need grace to transform and bend my will so that it looks more like His. I need God’s grace to transform my everything about me and enable me to keep climbing this mountain otherwise known as my life.  I’m realizing that without it, I’m just a tired, worn out, empty woman with feeble hands that can’t accomplish much…

That, I believe will bring about the change I’m looking for in my life-the kind of change that helps me break this cycle I’ve been in…

I’m getting off the wheel and reaching out for His grace…


3 thoughts on “In need of Grace…and Change

  1. Most of the things we have going on in our life that look hard, challenging or difficult can be due to the way we look at them. Coming from a single parent home knowing that my mom did all she could and instilled a work value in me of not to quit.

    Remember to rest when God tells you because that’s when He is restoring, reviving, and replenishing your mind, body and soul to continue the work He has for you to do.

    Let God give you new eyes to see, that you are rich beyond measure and have the strengh of Jesus in you.

  2. You are at a place in your life that is very vunerable. You have revealed much that is in your heart. Your struggle is evident but your love for God and your children is woven throughout your words. God created you for 3 relationships…Him, yourself, and others. The one in the middle is the toughest one. That’s the one that we neglect. It is hard to be with myself when I have to think about me. It seems selfish when so much needs my attention. But God is a God of order. God first, me second, and others third, fourth, fifth etc. Grace is God’s favor, it can also mean elegance and beauty. But in this case…it means empowerment, the God-given enablement. You can do all things… Grace will show you how to center yourself when life is swirling around you. You are facing some difficult challenges but you are not alone. For such a time as this…we have a saviour. There is much more to you than meets the eye. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder…behold yourself.

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